Commenter’s Companion vol 1

It can be a challenge to read comments online.  To be honest, you should probably just not do it. Unless you want to be totally cool like me and spend way too much time feeling like you can change the world.  If so, here are some rules to remember and a database of commonly used phrases and communication patterns and what they really mean.

Rules:

  1. It’s not personal.  It can’t be, you don’t know the other person.  I’m 100% sure that the other person is red faced mad, but they are mad at the concept of you, not the actual you.  So, never back down.
  2. It’s not serious.  It’s important to remember that while a serious concern of yours has made you start posting, by the time the message has gotten to your fingers to type it out, the game has become an online version of “my dad is better.”  Because, while you may be capable of a rational discussion, rest of the internet certainly is not.  Go ahead, sink to their level.  They’re so stupid they won’t even know what you’re doing.
  3. It’s not language.  What even is that they are trying to type at you?  Google translate doesn’t help.  Just draw a penis back at them.
  4. There must be a winner.  This is the most vital rule of all. While discussions in real life can end with mutual respect for and from all parties involved, internet discussions can not. The one small catch is, nobody really agrees on how you win. Making popular statements seems to work, but so does self-righteous indignation from people who just don’t know when to stay down because you’ve got 84 likes and they only have 1.  Stubborn bastards.

Helpful Glossary

Code of Bold

Most comment boxes don’t let you use pesky italics or bold, so some posters like to capitalize whole words.  Most of the time you will be able to understand what is going on, but sometimes you will see something like this:

i was just going TO my house the OTHER day, and my neighbor had already STOCKED my pantry with all the foods i luv.  i was so happy WITH her that i don’t even know what I’M saying?

Meaning: This person has just had a stroke.  If you are able to assist, please do so.  Possibly it’s the start of a treasure hunt.  Combine the capitalized words in many ways to determine where the poster is trying to send you for the next clue.  Maybe you need to look at THE uncapitalized words???

TLDR;

Some posters will reply to lengthy comments with “Too long, didn’t read,” Or TLDR for short. If you are a hacker, add the semi colon.  This tells everyone that you know the codez. You can get inside Zion, and you have to tell Smith how.

Meaning: “I’m proudly too impatient and stupid to parse even tree lines of consecutive text. Good day, sir.”

Wow

It’s common to express speechlessness in an overt and exaggerated fashion.  We abide no stoics on the internet.  If someone says “Wow.” to you, they mean for you to shut up and reconsider all of your life choices because you probably drowned a baby at some point; you might not even remember. That might have been ten babies ago.

Meaning: “I’m not really emotionally or intellectually committed to this conversation, though my emotion is snarling at you through the bars of the cage I’m keeping it in.  Boy, if I ever let it out. You just watch yourself.”

Senior Junior Associate Bean Tester at OSM Unincorporated

Lost my savings betting on an unregistered game of five finger fillet. This is all I could get.

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